(picture diary below)

Oct 19 2015

Dear self,
If you’re still trapped by the romanticized idea that a man has to woo a woman first, then, by all means, keep mute about your feelings, take pride in giving no hints and wallow as the painful torture of your silence tumults your emotions and speed drives them from  cheery to unpleasant, after all, everyone loves a meanie.

Oct 30 2015

You like this boy? She asks.
-We’re just friends…  I miss my friend and I want to talk to him… so call him?

Dec 15 2015
2015 didn’t start easy, as a matter of fact it’s been my toughest year yet, but it has left me with a lot which I’m eternally grateful for; friendships bloomed, family bonds strengthened, a friend made, growth, determination, God’s reminder of support and most importantly hope. Let’s just say I’m in a happy place right now.

Dec 30 2015

I’m feeling feelings, thinking thoughts, remembering memories; my heart is racing not in a bad way, not necessarily in a good way either. This one’s is different; the type you get when you long for something, but not such that it leads you on a desperate wild goose chase. It’s more content, accepting and understanding. My heart is racing because it longs for what it can’t have.I want this but I don’t want this, I want the chicken…without the barbecue sauce. The barbecue sauce tampers with the actual taste of the chicken and leaves a sour residue in my mouth. I know I have only two choices; either accept the barbecue sauce or just forget about the chicken but it’s a tough decision to make. I want the chicken! I want the chicken! I want the chicken……..I want you.  But you can’t have the chicken my head chuckles, so let it go.

Jan 8 2016

The chicken want’s me, which is AH-may-zing, but, I have to be careful, I can’t afford to make any mistakes, I have to cross my I’s and dot my T’s; slow and steady should win the race. Right?

Feb 1 2016

They say you’re my muse, that you are the emotional trigger that sparks my creativity. I laugh and turn the other way as they speak, my friends, they pride themselves in thinking that they are utterly capable of reading me, predicting the motive for my actions and emotions. I don’t have a muse, just a person who is tremendously supportive of my creative prowess, who believes I can conquer the world with my writing and challenges me to do so, who lends a listening ear when the words don’t flow and by actions inspires me to tell more stories…..oh wait, that’s the definition of a muse right?

Feb 5 2016

There’s something about the stillness of my heart, save for the periodical flutter every now and then, it’s devoid of doubts and fear. This new-found confidence tells me I’m finally ready, so come tomorrow I’m gonna share

Feb 7 2016

Bad timing, maybe try again later.

Feb 20 2016

To tell, or not to tell? Perhaps to wait, three could be quite the charm

Feb 25 2016

I closed my eyes tonight and my dreams took me away, I saw a future. In my dreams, there was beautiful house in the suburbs, two cars and a pretty baby girl. You loved her with all your heart, you  would leave work early just to be with her, throw her repeatedly in the air, ignore my screams for safety and plant a kiss on my forehead when I grew frantic.

March 6 2016

If I talk she’d say I’m paranoid, she seems to believe I have this skill of building mountains out of mole hills, painting pictures that don’t exist. But it’s not that, I’m only a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. Those hour-long calls that now last 3 hurried minutes, silly texts that now get no response, surprise visits that happen less frequently, this one long week of silence; its scary, it scares me. What happened to then, what’s happening now?

March 8 2016

He loves me, he loves me not?

March 20 2016

And if there’s one thing I regret, it’s not saying yes while I had the chance.

March 21 2016

He loves me!

March 25 2016

I love him…

April 1^st 2016

I didn’t cry on Wednesday. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. When you get hurt so much, your heart becomes immune to pain, nothing penetrates anymore, it just falls off like dried leaves on a windy night. I didn’t cry on Thursday either, Couldn’t bring myself to evaluate the possible rashness of my decision or ask myself “what if I was wrong”. I couldn’t think, I was lost in this state of unfeeling and even that was a burden of its own.

The tears came on Friday, 9 pm to be precise, as I sat on the bed trying to figure out exactly what to do with my life, how to get the answers to the nerve-wracking statistics project that I had been battling since Wednesday, how to complete a six page analysis paper in time to go to bed and wake early for my writing workshop the next day, how to get my paper and presentation in order in the midst of surmounting work, how to find the perfect end for a carefully crafted April fool’s prank which seemed to be taking a wrong turn, how to fix what seemed broken, how to put up my weekly blog post in the midst of all the chaos. My catastrophic life it seemed, possessed a kind of heat that began to melt the steely exterior of my impenetrable heart, so on Friday, 9pm to be precise, the tears finally came. Oh how they rushed, smearing the make up I had so painstakingly applied, tearing down walls intentionally  built for protection and leaving the debris of vulnerability in its wake.

April 2 2016- 11am

In this gathering, there are several intellectuals, notable writers, and distinguished professionals. I read my words to them and they all nod in admiration, eyes wide in wonder. This is fulfilling, satisfying, yet, I can’t wait to leave. There’s something I need to do, some words I need to take back , a misunderstanding I need to rectify.

April 2 2016- 3pm

I held the egg really tight to prevent it from breaking, it broke. This topaz ring will be a reminder that it’s gonna be a while before I let my self go again. All I want now is a shabby-chic white room with white lace curtains and a window overlooking the sea where I can write for all of eternity

April 8 2016

He loves me still!

All I really want now is a shabby-chic white room with white lace curtains and a window overlooking the sea where I can write for all of eternity, with you as my muse, by my side.

April 9 2016

I lost some money today, 20 dollars. No one took me seriously because it was just 20 dollars. But it hurt me really bad, because, I had made plans that I now had to cancel, because, I was haunted by the fact that I didn’t have it any more, because exactly a week ago, I had lost another prized possession. It hurt just as bad as it did when I lost you.

April 10 2016

They say if you love it, you should let it go. It’s age old wisdom that settles carefully on the threads that bind society together.  It’s never clear who “they” are. These people who think themselves mighty enough to dictate how people should love, how I should love. Their identities remain unknown but their words govern existence.

They say “it’s better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all”

They say “all is fair in love and war”

They say “ experience is the best teacher”

They say “if you love it set it free”

I’d never understand the logic behind that idea,how that sounds even the least bit sensible. In my teeny tiny head, loving equaled longing, wanting, it was generous yet, selfish.It didn’t throw away, it sought and preserved, then cared, and supported. Why set something free when you could cage it?How do you,then, live with the torturous wonder of what was or what could have been? Well, what did my teeny brain know? I was nothing compared to the ageing wisdom of the unknown caretakers of the society. These one’s,  I had to listen to because they were obviously wiser. Yet, they had no way of telling me;

How to tame the flutter of my heart or the worry it sometime comes with

How to erase the images in my head or the smiles that sometimes creep in

How to forget the linger in his eyes that tells me he might feel the exact same way

“You just don’t care”… but how does one not care about caring especially when every inch of you just wants to scream “Can’t we just forget misunderstandings and start all over. Why do we constantly ourselves hang in space with all these feelings trapped in a bubble?”

They say, “If you love it you should let it go”. I say “If it’s so easy to let go, then maybe it was never really love”.

April 12 2016

If you made it to the end, then, you know… Figuring out whether and how to stay friends was the biggest problem, little wonder why that was repeatedly an epic fail. Precious time spent on assumptions and corrections could simply have been pure bliss…can still simply be pure bliss.

Why beat around the bush, predicting and reading wrong meanings into actions when we can rather bask in the grass and bathe in the sunlight. It’s very cliche but true to say that this time, the ball is in your court…Except you agree with what “they” say, that “If you love it, you should let it go”.

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Picture Diary

I tried so hard to get my hand poses right, cos you know, that bird is photo shopped.

 

Then, I got tired and just played in the grass.

Then, I tried to do yoga…

…epic fail!!!

So I just settled for being happy instead…

…and classy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Outfit details

Leather jacket -Forever 21

Dress-  Custom made

Leather pants- Cache

Shoes- Payless

Bag- JustFab

PS: Next post up on Saturday, so check back soon okay, plus you know you’re always welcome to leave comments. I love reading as responding to them. I’m especially looking forward to the ones that would attempt to crack the code in today’s blog post lol.